If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

• The Big Loud Fox Jumps Over the Crazy Straw

  With merritt aboard the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by talking about typesetting, sports jokes I didn't understand, the #1 Maryland Food Podcast™, sad stories about old dogs, the lamp you jerk off, off-gassing, and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• P15S 4G

  Finally reunited after No Niki November, the gang wastes no time dissecting a new docket of topical issues facing today's youth, including Frank Sinatra, The Meat Zone, Michael's Milk, doorbells, crimeable acts, earbuds, blood vessels, battery-powered trash cans, and with the power of 1,000 suns, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• Michael’s Milk: Welcome to Dairy

  John, merritt and Michael are still legally allowed access to microphones (for now), and thus the show continues unabated, despite his best efforts. This week's topics of discussion include Uncrustables, an important clarification regarding Michael's Milk™, Kirby's secret origins, John's secret to huge numbers, mad cow disease, butt chugging, childhood trauma (unrelated), and despite pressure from our lawyers, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• Michael's Milk

  We hope you're thirsty, because Michael, John and merritt are back with gallons of gossip and giggles for you to guzzle down your gullet! [Editor's note: I'm trying a new thing where the descriptions are really annoying, let me know what you think.] After our regular biweekly Bible sesh, the gang dishes over their favorite apocalypse-themed wrestlers, the ideal diner hot sauce, John from Cincinnati, pogs, and unbeknownst to many, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• The Characters Welcome Era

  No Niki November continues, with Michael, merritt and John doing their absolute best to keep this train on its tracks, with predictable results. Topics of discussion for this episode include the output of the USA Network between 2005 and 2016, "the first porno you watched," the existence of the Storkborn, ye olde Internet, buying CDs in 2025 and, if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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