The Ugly Truth of Divorce

Real quick before we get into it. If your ex's name is anywhere near your kid's phone plan, fix that today. I'll wait.

Okay. Now that we've handled that, let's talk about why I stopped putting cell phones in parenting plans and why I will never go back.
This is not an episode about screen time or what age your kid should get a phone. I don't care about that and honestly it's none of my business. What I do care about is what happens when a high conflict ex gets any kind of financial or legal grip on your kid's cell phone. Because I have seen it play out. I lived it. And I am not letting you walk into that trap without a warning.
The second that phone is in your parenting plan, your ex has a reason to be in your business about it forever. Who pays, who decides on the upgrade, who gets to set the rules, whose line is it under. Every single one of those questions becomes a fight. And if you know anything about high conflict people and money, you already know how that goes.
So here is what I tell every parent who asks me to put it in their plan. Go buy the phone yourself. Get the insurance. Tell your kid it goes everywhere. And never once treat it like a joint decision because it is not. You bought it. You own it. You make the rules.
We talk about what actually happens when your ex bans the phone from their house, why two phones is one of the most selfish co-parenting moves I have ever seen, and why location tracking is so far down my list of things to fight about that I almost didn't mention it. Almost. We also get into the phrase a therapist gave me that I tweaked and still say to my kids to this day when I cannot fight a battle for them at the other house.
Your kid doesn't need two phones. They need one parent who has their head on straight and refuses to make a rectangle the centerpiece of their custody drama. Go be that parent.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Keep It Out of the Plan. The moment cell phones are in your parenting plan, your ex has a legal and financial grip on your kid's most important communication tool.

Buy It Yourself. You buy the phone, you get the insurance, and you call the shots without needing anyone's agreement or permission.

The Phone Travels. A phone that can only be used at one house is not a safety tool, it is a control tool, and your ex is the one holding it.

Two Phones Is Not a Compromise. It is an ego move that makes your kid manage two identities depending on which house they're standing in.

Location Tracking Is Not the Hill. Your kid's mental health, self-worth, and ability to recognize and stand up to toxic behavior are the only hills worth dying on.

Your Kid Will Find Their Voice. You cannot fight every battle for them at the other house. What you can do is remind them that when they get taller, their voice gets louder, and they will be heard.

Be the Calm One. Your kid is going to remember which parent made the phone a whole dramatic thing and which parent just said, take it wherever you go, I trust you.

The Truth Bombs

"The second your ex has paid for half that phone, they believe they have half the right to hold it hostage. And they will use it."

"Your kid's phone is their lifeline. A high conflict parent knows exactly what they're doing when they take it. They don't care that your kid is suffering. They care that they won."

"Two phones is not co-parenting. It is one unhinged parent refusing to let go of control and making your kid pay for it."

"I don't care if your ex tracks your kid's location at their house. If they want to know where you are in 2026, they already know. That is not the hill."

"Go buy the phone. Get the insurance. Tell your kid it goes everywhere. And then stop talking about it."

"Kiddo, when you get taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard. And if you're not heard, you will make a point to be heard."

"The hills I'm dying on are my kid's mental health, their self-worth, and their ability to spot crazy from a mile away. A cell phone location setting is not on that list."

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Your ex has been wiping their ass with your parenting plan for six months and the court just handed them more toilet paper.
And everyone in that courtroom acted like that was completely normal.
I am done sugarcoating the contempt process. It is broken, your high conflict ex has already figured that out, and every day you walk around thinking a strongly worded motion is going to finally hold them accountable is another day they are out here living their best life consequence free.
Here is what actually happens. Your ex breaks the rules for six months. You document everything like the responsible, exhausted, done-with-this-nonsense person you are. You file contempt in December. Your court date is April. And from December to April your ex transforms into the co-parent of the year. On time. Communicating. Following the plan to the letter. You walk into that April hearing with six months of data and your ex walks in with four months of gold star behavior.
The judge looks at your ex like they just climbed Everest in flip flops. Four months of basic human decency and suddenly they are a changed person. A person of growth. A person of effort. The court is moved. The court is inspired. You are sitting there with six months of documented violations and a lawyer who is already calculating your invoice. You paid thousands of dollars to watch your ex get a gold star for doing the bare minimum they were court ordered to do two years ago. Nothing changes. 
That is not a glitch. That is the system working exactly as designed and your high conflict ex figured it out long before you did.
In this episode I get into the contempt timeline trap, why your documentation habit is becoming a full time job that the court barely cares about, what three things actually matter when you walk into that hearing, and what I would do if I ran that courtroom because the current model is not it.
I also talk about why a vague parenting plan is basically a love letter to your high conflict ex and what yours needs to say if you ever want enforcement to mean something.
This is the episode I needed when I was in the trenches and nobody was telling me the truth. Consider this me telling you the truth.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

The Court Timeline Is Your Ex's Best Weapon: File in December, show up in April, watch your ex perform four months of good behavior and walk out looking reformed while you're sitting there with six months of violations and a legal bill that would make you cry.

Contempt Consequences in Family Court Are Almost Laughably Soft: Nobody is going to jail. Nobody is getting fined into actually changing their behavior. At best your ex gets a warning and a deadline to do better, which they will absolutely ignore the second the heat is off.

Your Ex Knows Exactly What They're Doing: The person who "can't tell time" for custody drop-offs shows up 45 minutes early to their job every single day. It's not incompetence. It's a choice. And the court keeps treating it like a learning curve.

Stop Documenting Everything. Document the Right Things: Visitation, money, and documented abuse in front of the kids. That's what courts care about. The rest of it is burning your time and your mental health keeping receipts on someone who doesn't deserve that much of your attention.

A Vague Parenting Plan Is a Gift to Your High Conflict Ex: If your order doesn't have specific times and specific language, your ex can claim they didn't know. And legally? They might be right. Lock it down before you ever need to enforce it.

Immediate Consequences Are the Only Thing That Works: The delayed consequence model this system is built on does not work on high conflict people. They need to feel it fast. Until the courts catch up, your parenting plan needs to be built to close every gap they will absolutely try to drive through.

The Truth Bombs

"Your high conflict ex isn't bad at time management. They show up early to work every single day. They just don't respect YOUR time. There's a difference and the court keeps pretending there isn't."

"File contempt in December. Watch your ex become a perfect co-parent by January. Sit in court in April while the judge compliments their growth. That's not a bug in the system. That's the feature."

"The family court system runs on second chances. Your high conflict ex runs on knowing that. Stop being surprised when they use it."

"If your parenting plan says 'parties will later determine' anything, congratulations, you have determined nothing and your ex's attorney is sending a thank you card."

"You need hope, a prayer, a mountain of data, and ideally a judge who spent some time in criminal court before landing in family. That's my actual advice for contempt. I'm sorry."

"The kids suffer for another six months while the court gives my ex time to improve. That's not a justice system. That's just a delay with paperwork."

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Your ex didn't become unhinged overnight. Your parenting plan just finally gave them the tools to show you.
If you have the words "open communication" sitting in your parenting plan with absolutely nothing else around them, you did not write a rule. You wrote a blank check. And your high-conflict ex has been signing their name to it every single day since you both walked out of that courtroom.
This is the episode nobody wants to have because it means admitting that the document you fought for, paid thousands of dollars for, and cried over might be the very thing working against you right now. The communication clause, or the total disaster that exists where one should be, is one of the most dangerous things I see in parenting plans. No response windows. No platform. No volume limits. No defined hours. Nothing. Just "open communication" sitting there like that means something. It does not mean something. It means everything is allowed. And everything is too much.
When your ex sends you 75 messages before noon they are not out of control. They are on schedule. Because nothing in your plan told them they couldn't. That is the part that should keep you up at night.
I get into what this actually looks like in real life when you are dealing with a high-conflict person. It looks like your phone exploding while you are trying to be present with your kids. It looks like a message thread that opens with a simple question and ends with a custody threat forty-five messages later. It looks like sitting across from a judge being called an unresponsive co-parent because you had the audacity to not answer during your own parenting time.
And I get personal because I lived this. I used to run to that phone like I would get struck by lightning if I didn't answer in time. I set a specific ringtone so I would always know it was him. And I still picked up every single time. I genuinely believed I was being a good co-parent. What I was actually doing was surviving. I was managing his emotions at the expense of my kids sitting right in front of me waiting for me to come back to them. And the worst part is I then watched my kids do the exact same thing when they got their own phones because I set that tone. I trained all of us.
That stops when your parenting plan has actual teeth in it. Not suggestions. Not vibes. Rules.
If your communication clause is vague, your protection is vague. And vague does not hold up in court, does not stop the spiral at 6am, and does not give you your life back. Let's talk about fixing it.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

The "Open Communication" Trap: If your parenting plan doesn't define how, when, and how often communication happens, you've written your ex a permission slip to harass you.

Two Messages Is Already the Limit: Anything past two unanswered messages is not urgency. It's a pattern, and patterns need to be in your documentation.

Business Hours Are Professional, Not Petty: Treating co-parenting like a business transaction is not cold. It is smart, and your parenting plan should reflect structured response windows that protect your time with your kids.

Vague Language Will Cost You: Words like "reasonable" and "open" are not measurable in court. If a judge or attorney can't define it specifically, it will never protect you specifically.

Your Parenting Time Is Sacred: Every message your ex sends while you have the kids is an attempt to pull your attention away from them. A strong communication clause shuts that down before it starts.

The Truth Bombs

"Open communication with no rules is not a co-parenting plan. It's a harassment plan with your signature on it."

"I used to run to that phone like I'd get in trouble if I didn't. That was trauma. That was not co-parenting."

"You don't get a sash for being the parent who answers the most. That award does not exist. Stop chasing it."

"If it's not written in your parenting plan, it's not a rule. And if it's not a rule, your ex will use every inch of that gap."

"Anything past two messages is harassment. I don't care what they're texting about. If I didn't answer the first two, I'm not answering the next twenty."

"They don't message you during your parenting time because they care about the kids. They message you because they can't stand that you're living your life without them."

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If you are the most put-together person in your friend group, I need you to understand that is not a compliment, that is a warning.
Let me ask you something and I need you to sit with it for a second. The people you are calling when everything blows up, are they actually helping you get through this, or are they just really entertaining to gossip with?
Because I have been there. I had a whole circle. And every single one of them was either a yes man, a pot stirrer, or a straight up mole feeding information back to my ex. And I did not figure that out until the damage was already done in court.
This episode is the one I wish somebody had handed me on day one of my divorce. We are talking about the hard audit. The one where you get honest about who is actually in your corner and who is just there for the show. Because not everyone who picks up the phone when you call is your person. Some of them are picking up because they are nosy. Some of them are picking up because your drama makes them feel better about their own life. And some of them are picking up and then turning around and telling your ex everything you just said.
I also tried the other extreme. I pulled everybody out and went completely solo. Isolated. Just me, my kids, and my chaos. And I am telling you right now that was one of the most dangerous things I ever did to myself. Isolation is not strength. It is just suffering with better branding.
The truth is you need people. Real ones. The kind who show up at your door before a court date with snacks and water and pictures of your kids and a whole plan for after. Not the kind who text you screenshots of what your ex posted on Instagram at 11pm. Those people are not your support system. They are your trigger system.
And if right now you are sitting there saying you have nobody, I hear you and I am not letting you use that as an excuse. I am building new friendships at 47 in a Pilates class. You can find your people. You just have to stop hiding and start showing up somewhere.
This is the episode where we start assembling your Avengers. And yes, I mean that literally. You need a strategic, hand-picked, drama-free crew that helps you function on your absolute worst days. Because those days are coming. And you do not want to be alone when they do.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Audit Your Circle: If the people around you are keeping you triggered and stuck instead of regulated and moving forward, it is time for a hard edit.

Isolation Is Not Strength: Going it completely alone during divorce is not brave, it is dangerous, and it is not something I would ever recommend based on my own experience.

Yes Men Are Not Your Friends: Someone who just cosigns your rage feels good in the moment, but they are keeping you anchored to the past instead of helping you build what is next.

The Friend Breakup Is Real: Editing people out of your life during this season is not failure, it is protection, and how they respond to your boundary tells you everything.

You Can Build New Friendships at Any Age: I am making real connections in Pilates at 47, so the excuse that it is too late or too hard does not hold up.

Be Strategic, Not Just Grateful: Not everyone who shows up for you is the right fit for this season, and you need people who can actually hold your energy, not drain what is left of it.

Find Your Avengers: You need a crew who shows up practically, protects your energy, and helps you function on your worst days, and that crew is out there waiting to be assembled.

The Truth Bombs

"If you are the best person in the five people you are hanging around with, you are in the wrong group."

"How is it working for you, pushing everybody away and trying to act like the badass you so badly want to be? Aren't you tired?"

"You keep putting negativity out there into the universe, that is the kind of energy that keeps coming back at you."

"Is she here for me or is she here to hear from me? There is a difference."

"The ones who get angry when you set a boundary were never your friend to begin with."

"I changed. Nothing about him changed. I changed. And it started with who I was around."

"You need the friend who packs you a go-box with water, snacks, and pictures of your kids before court. Not the one who asks what he was wearing."

"A friend edit is needed. I know it feels like another breakup. But your circle becoming smaller during divorce is not a loss. It is a filter."

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If your parenting plan has vague language in it, your attorney just handed your high-conflict ex a loaded gun and charged you for the bullets.
Vague is not the same as covered. Anything that can be interpreted WILL be interpreted in whatever way screws you over the most that day. In Episode 16, I'm calling out the catch-all clauses attorneys love to bury in parenting plans that sound great in a conference room and blow up completely in real life. The language that makes you feel protected when you sign it and makes your ex's eyes light up the moment they realize how much room they have to work with.
Here's what pisses me off about this: two people who couldn't agree on anything during the marriage, blew through mediation, and spent days in court with a room full of witnesses and professionals. Someone looked at that situation, saw exactly who these two people were, and still handed them a legal document that only functions if they cooperate. That's not a plan. That's a setup. And every single time it breaks down, you're back on the phone with your attorney trying to get someone to explain what your own document means. Every call costs money. Every argument that could have been avoided with one specific sentence in your plan is now an invoice.
The people writing these plans know what they're doing. Whether it's intentional or just lazy, the result is the same: you stay stuck, you stay in conflict, and you keep paying.
I had this exact plan. I lived this exact nightmare. I was the person who kept thinking if I just tried harder, showed up better, stayed more reasonable, eventually my ex would meet me there. They didn't. And the plan we had gave both of us endless room to keep the fight going for years. The only people who came out ahead were the ones billing by the hour.
Get specific. Lock in the decisions now. All of them. Because a plan full of wiggle room is just handing your ex a weapon and calling it a custody agreement. Your kids deserve better than that. And honestly, so do you.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Vague Language Is a Weapon: In a high-conflict co-parenting situation, any clause that can be interpreted multiple ways will be interpreted in whatever way benefits your ex that day.

Feel-Good Plans Don't Survive First Contact With a High-Conflict Ex: A parenting plan that reads beautifully and falls apart in practice is not a good plan. It's a liability.

Specificity Is the Only Real Protection: The more decisions your plan makes upfront, the less you have to fight about later. Dates, times, names, processes, all of it should be written down.

Going Back to Your Attorney to Define Your Own Plan Is a Failure of the Plan: Paying someone to explain what your legal document means means the document didn't do its job.

High-Conflict People Will Not Rise to the Occasion: Stop designing your plan around the hope that your ex will eventually do the right thing. Design it around the reality of who they actually are.

You Deserved a Plan That Actually Works: Not one that made your attorney feel good about wrapping things up and left you holding the mess.

The Truth Bombs

"A parenting plan that sounds good on paper and falls apart in real life isn't a plan. It's a setup."

"Two people who couldn't agree on anything during a marriage, during mediation, or in eight days of court are not going to magically agree on what a vague clause means. Stop writing plans that require them to."

"Every time I had to call my attorney to figure out what my own parenting plan meant, that plan failed me. Full stop."

"Your ex will find every single inch of wiggle room in that document and drive a truck through it. That's not a prediction. That's a pattern."

"The goal of your parenting plan should be to make as many decisions as possible right now so you never have to make them again with someone who hates you."

"I kept trying harder, showing up better, being more reasonable. They didn't change. The plan just gave us more to fight about."

"Attorneys put language in parenting plans that makes clients feel taken care of. That's not always the same thing as actually being taken care of."

"Your kids don't need a plan that sounds good in a courtroom. They need a plan that actually works on a Tuesday night when nobody's watching."

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