Morning Crankers: Comedy - News & Outrageous Real-Life Stories

This week on Morning Crankers, we dive into the stories shaking up headlines worldwide. The Epstein files dropped new revelations sending shockwaves across international politics and media. Minnesota faces a staggering fraud scandal involving billions of taxpayer dollars, with similar schemes emerging in multiple states.
We spotlight an incredible 13-year-old hero from Perth, Australia who swam over 2.5 miles through treacherous waters to save his stranded family. Hollywood's most eccentric spenders make our list as we explore the bizarre ways celebrities burn through their fortunes.
The Smithsonian is hiring for a real-life Indiana Jones position—yes, you read that right—offering adventure seekers the archaeological opportunity of a lifetime. We also cover this week's quirky national days and break down what they reveal about our culture.
From government corruption to extraordinary acts of courage, eccentric wealth to dream jobs, this episode delivers the news that matters with the edge you expect from Morning Crankers.

"teen swims 2.5 miles rescue"
"Epstein files global reaction"
"Minnesota fraud billions taxpayers"
"Perth Australia boy saves family"
"Smithsonian Indiana Jones job opening"
"eccentric Hollywood celebrity spenders"
"state welfare fraud scandal news"
"teenage hero ocean rescue story"
"real life archaeologist position available"
"national days this week explained"
"Epstein documents international impact"
"government fraud multiple states exposed"

"Epstein files"
"teenage hero"
"ocean rescue"
"Minnesota fraud"
"Hollywood spenders"
"celebrity wealth"
"government corruption"
"Smithsonian jobs"
"archaeology career"
"national days"
"Perth rescue"
"welfare fraud"
"heroic teen"
"Indiana Jones"
"Australia news"

Epstein files
teen ocean rescue
Minnesota fraud scandal
Perth Australia hero
Smithsonian Indiana Jones job

Hollywood eccentric spenders
government fraud
national days
teenage lifesaver
archaeology jobs
welfare fraud billions

#EpsteinFiles #TeenHero #MinnesotaFraud #PerthRescue #SmithsonianJobs #IndianaJones #HollywoodSpenders #GovernmentCorruption #MorningCrankers #TrueNews #CurrentEvents #HeroicKids
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On this hilarious and eye-opening Morning Crankers Podcast, Hans and Roxy crank through this week’s nationally recognized day and dive into everything from the upcoming Masters of the Universe movie coming in June to bizarre human behavior on My Weird Addiction — including a guy who eats mealworms and roaches!
We also break down the latest ICE and immigration enforcement news that no one else is talking about, including controversial federal agent shootings and nationwide protests following fatal encounters in Minneapolis that have ignited debates about enforcement tactics, accountability, and civil liberties.
Plus, laugh out loud with our segment on Jayne Mansfield-inspired wardrobe malfunctions, and get inspired by the latest achievement in space exploration — a private lunar rover successfully reaching the Moon!
Tune in to Morning Crankers for comedy, culture, controversy, and curious stories you won’t hear anywhere else.

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Morning Crankers is turning up the heat — and adding a brand-new voice.
In the December 17, 2025 episode, Hans officially welcomes ROXXY (Foxxy Roxxy) as a new co-host, bringing fresh energy, sharp humor, and unfiltered commentary to the Morning Crankers chaos.
This episode fires on all cylinders as the crew breaks down:
• The hottest-selling Christmas presents of the year — what everyone actually wants vs. what’s already sold out
• National days of the week, because yes… apparently everything has a day now
• The most popular Christmas movies people are streaming, rewatching, and arguing about
• A bizarre real-life story out of Australia, where two men were caught smuggling pig semen from Dutch pigs, a case so absurd it may end up as a movie
• General Motors investing hundreds of millions of dollars to train young workers in the skilled trades to build the next generation of vehicles — and why this move matters more than college for many Americans
Fast-paced, hilarious, and unapologetically real, this episode blends news, culture, business, and pure insanity the way only Morning Crankers can.
Whether you’re here for the laughs, the headlines, or to meet ROXXY’s first official episode, this one delivers.
New voices. Wild stories. Real talk.
This is Morning Crankers.

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MORNING CRANKERS – “Space Dots & Stolen Driveways”
Hosted by Hans | Runtime: ~40 Minutes
A blues-rock soaked, caffeine-fueled rant-fest for America’s favorite lovable grouch.
The universe is officially trolling us — and Hans is here to break it all down with premium crankiness.
In today’s episode, the James Webb Space Telescope reveals mysterious “little red dots” billions of light-years away… objects so bizarre that even the smartest astrophysicists are shrugging like mechanics looking at a car held together with zip ties. Black-hole stars? Galaxy imposters? Cosmic pranks? Hans dives in with scientific curiosity and emotional instability.
Back on Earth — where somehow things are even dumber — people are literally stealing entire driveways. Not packages. Not tools. Entire slabs of concrete. Whole parking surfaces. Vanished. A new era of criminal innovation nobody asked for.
Plus:
• A ghost hunter goes searching for spirits and finds a real corpse instead
• A compilation of crop circles, glowing sky faces, and Bigfoot sightings
• The world’s worst lottery regret story
• AI therapy apps telling users to “communicate with houseplants”
• A full rant on QR codes, self-checkout chaos, and why every screen in America is gaslighting us
• The NEW segment: News I Refuse to Cover (But I’m Gonna Anyway)
• Another round of REAL OR FAKE? where satire and actual 2025 news battle to the death
• And the Cranker of the Week — the bold, the brazen, the concrete-stealing geniuses of modern American stupidity
Hans is irritated. The world is broken. The coffee is lukewarm.
But the jokes are hot, the rants are premium, and the universe is giving us plenty of material.
If your driveway is still attached to your house after this episode, congratulations — you’re already ahead of the curve.

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Before the all-new Morning Crankers hits in December, we’re bringing you a special compilation of fan-favorite moments from the archives.
This episode brings together the best jokes, the wildest rants, the weirdest news stories, and classic Cranker chaos to hold you over as we finish retooling the show into something bigger, louder, and even funnier.
With Greg taking a temporary leave of absence, we hit reset behind the scenes — rebuilding Morning Crankers piece by piece to deliver the funniest morning comedy podcast on the planet. This compilation is a warm-up lap before the sprint. A “greatest hits” appetizer before the main feast that drops the first week of December.
Enjoy this blast from the past while we prepare a sharper format, brand-new segments, more energy, and more of the ridiculous, caffeinated humor you listen for. The future of Morning Crankers is already cooking — and it’s almost time to serve it.
New episodes officially return the first week of December.
This is your Crankers warm-up. Let’s get stupid.
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