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Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE
Pillow Talks
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  • E230 How to Actually Enjoy Oral Sex (Without Overthinking It)
    Let’s talk about oral. We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over? Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone. In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons people struggle to fully relax and enjoy oral. We asked our community to spill their biggest insecurities, and let’s just say… you all delivered. From “I can’t stay present” to “I feel bad making him do it when I haven’t shaved,” nothing’s off-limits today. We’ll break down what’s actually going on behind those thoughts, and share practical, shame-free ways to feel more confident, connected, and turned on. 💋 Here’s what we’re diving into: The top 3 reasons people can’t relax during oral (and how to fix them). Why it’s okay if you don’t orgasm every time — seriously. How to ask for what you like without killing the vibe. What to do when your brain won’t stop screaming, “am I doing this right?!” And a few of our favorite “oral attitude adjustments.” Part real talk, part sex-ed, and part pep talk from your favorite couple who’s been there, done that… and yes, talked about it on a podcast. If you’ve ever been stuck in your head, overthinking, or trying to do it “right”… listen in… because you deserve oral to feel good. Like really good. 😘 🔥 Wanna take this week’s episode to the next level? Then it’s time to join The Ultimate Foreplay Experience. Our brand-new 4-week challenge that turns the Ultimate Foreplay Guides into a spicy, step-by-step adventure. Each week, you’ll tackle a new theme — fingering, hand jobs, oral, and blow jobs — with flirty assignments, trackable checklists, and a “Heat Map” to rate your favorite moves. It’s everything you need to turn “eh, same old routine” into “holy sht, that was incredible.”* Get in on the challenge by grabbing the Ultimate Foreplay Guides before October 23rd → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — full of behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and way too many sex puns → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow 👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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  • E229: Ask A Sex Therapist: Swallowing, Fetishes, + Exes
    Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories. So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for. Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities about sex, intimacy, and relationships. 💛 Here’s what we’re getting into: Why some guys are so into swallowing (and what it really means). When “lasting too long” in bed becomes its own problem. How to tell your new partner about things you liked with an ex. What to do when you can’t seem to drop a fetish. Healing steps for survivors of sexual trauma who want a healthy sex life. What happens when you both want the other person to initiate. And that’s just the beginning — this episode is packed with your real questions and our no-BS answers. 🔗 Links & Resources Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Treat your partner to the best foreplay they’ve ever had 👉🏻The Ultimate Foreplay Guides http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Learn how to initiate with confidence 👉🏻The Art of Initiation https://vmtherapy.com/initiation Unlock expert tools, our core course library, and more inside our membership 👉🏻 Deeper https://vmtherapy.com/deeper 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of flirty fun. Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods. Timestamps  00:00 – Intro 03:00 – Why are guys so into swallowing? 11:04 – My partner lasts too long in bed 22:47 – How do I bring up things an ex used to do to me with my partner? 30:54 – Scheduling sex feels awkward—how do I get over that? 39:52 – How to get over a fetish 47:30 – How to reassure your partner with ED 56:19 – How SA survivors can have a great sex life 58:31 – What to do if we both want the other partner to initiate ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for up to 20% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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  • E228: Breaking Down A Real-Life Text Fight (pt 2.)
    You’ve been there: the dreaded text fight. One message gets misread, emotions spike, and suddenly you’re both typing paragraphs instead of actually talking. In this episode, we’re breaking down a real-life text fight between a couple navigating mismatched sex drives, rejection, and the heavy mental load of parenting. You’ll hear the raw back-and-forth and get our thoughts on what worked, what didn’t, and how to move these conversations toward connection instead of conflict. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: Why so many couples end up fighting about sex over text (and why it almost never goes well). Why text is the worst place to argue (and how to get out of the spiral). The hidden emotional needs behind “yes” and “no.” How to express hurt feelings without slipping into blame. How to validate your partner without abandoning your own boundaries. Communication tips that will help you feel heard and understood — even in the heat of the moment. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a text fight with your partner, this one’s for you. 👉 Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ @vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of sex puns. Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Use the code PILLOW at check out to get 20% off your first order plus free shipping ➡︎https://www.naturessunshine.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. ➡︎https://www.wildalaskan.com/pillow 👏Thanks Chewy. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping. ➡︎https://chewpanions.chewy.com/vanessandxander 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW  at checkout for 50% off. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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  • E227: Initiation: What You’re Getting Wrong And How To Get It Right
    Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up. Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot more exciting. We’re back with a re-air of one of our most popular episodes ever, because initiation is one of the biggest challenges couples face. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: The biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to initiation (and what to do instead). Why one partner often feels all the pressure, and how to change it up and share the spark. How to shift from frustration and rejection to connection and desire. Practical strategies to make initiation feel exciting, flirty, fun, and hot again. If you’ve ever felt frustrated, annoyed, or even rejected by your partner’s initiation attempts (or lack of them), this conversation will help you see both sides of the equation and give you totally do-able techniques you can try tonight. 🔥 $40 FLASH SALE : Art Of Initiation 🔥 We’re doing something we’ve never done before. For this weekend only, get our top-selling course, Art of Initiation, for just $40 (normally $89). That’s more than 50% off! Now through Sunday, September 28, 2025 Inside, you’ll learn how to initiate in ways that actually feel amazing for both of you. Trust us, it’s a total game-changer. 👉 Grab AOI here: vmtherapy.com/initiation and use code FLASH40 at checkout. Links & Resources 👉 E73: Do You Ever “Owe” Sex To Your Partner?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode73 👉 What’s Your Sex Drive Type? Free Download:  https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type 👉 E38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode38 👉 E183: How To Get More Emotional Intimacy From Your Partner https://vmtherapy.com/episode183 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Skims. Shop SKIMS Fits Everybody collection at SKIMS.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. ➡︎https://www.skims.com/pillow 👏Thanks goPure. Use the code PILLOW to get 25% off ➡︎https://gopure.com 👏Thanks Cowboy Colostrum. Get 25% off when you use the code PILLOW. ➡︎https://www.cowboycolostrum.com 👏Thanks Hungryroot. Use code pillow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life➡︎https://Hungryroot.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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  • E226: Foreplay Frustrations: How to Get More (and Better) Foreplay
    Did you know that 64% of people say they want more foreplay than they currently get? And most people say they wish it was part of every sexual experience. No wonder foreplay frustrations are so common. Maybe it feels too short, too routine, or like your partner just doesn’t quite “get it.” The truth? Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up. It’s one of the most powerful ways to feel connected, build anticipation, and experience more pleasure (especially since only 10–15% of women orgasm from intercourse alone). 💛 In this episode, we cover: Does foreplay actually count as sex? How to ask for more foreplay without hurting your partner’s feelings. Types of foreplay beyond handjobs and BJs—like massage, sensory play, toys, and even “choreplay.” What to do when one of you wants more foreplay and the other wants less. How to talk about your fantasies without feeling awkward. Tips for breaking out of a foreplay rut and keeping it playful. What to do when your favorite turn-on is your partner’s turn-off. And yes… whether it’s okay to not really be into foreplay at all. Foreplay can (and should) be one of the most exciting and intimate parts of your sex life. And after this episode, you’ll have the tools to make it way more fun, connected, and satisfying for both of you. ✨ Want more foreplay inspiration? Check out our Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Next level techniques and step-by-step instructions, let’s just say, these guides are our #1 best-seller for a reason! ⁠Links & Resources 👉🏻 Get The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 👉🏻 A Survivor's Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse here: https://vmtherapy.com/freebies 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ⏰ Timestamps 00:00 – Intro 10:54 – When your partner won’t give foreplay 18:25 – Tips for talking about foreplay 23:25 – Exploring different types of foreplay 31:00 – I want more foreplay, my partner wants less: finding middle ground 37:55 – How to start the conversation about foreplay 40:47 – How to mix things up in the bedroom 45:49 – I don’t want to give blowjobs, but my partner loves them 55:54 – Women who don’t like foreplay ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks ZocDoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and start book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for 40% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Live It Up. Use code PILLOW for 15% off your first Super Greens order! ➡︎https://letsliveitup.com/pillow 👏Thanks Audible. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial! ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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About Pillow Talks

Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
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